grief and marriage.

My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and we have had our fair share of adjusting! Marriage can be challenging no matter how in love you are.  Dallin and I were absolutely obsessed with each other while dating, we were that couple I swore I would never be. Literally obsessed. 24/7.

After getting married we were adjusting to our new life together, and anyone that knows me, is well aware that I have a strong personality. I didn't get married until I was 24, so I had already established my own life. I was comfortable in the way I did things and had a hard time understanding why anyone would do it any differently! Not to mention birth control can make a girl nuts. And if any married man is reading this he will totally agree with me! I was a crazy person. I cried all the time and was on edge constantly, which makes adjusting to a new life even harder. Poor Dal, I was a lot to handle :)  But we did it, we just drove over our bumps in the road and continued to love each other. I was so happy!!

And then.... grief hit.

I don't like change. I was already adjusting to a new life when I found out I lost another brother.  And it has been hard. I shut down, I cry, and I get mad.  But lucky for me I have the best husband in the world.  He listens to me when I am mad, he holds me when I am sad, and he tries to understand what I am going through.  Grief is something that I could let take over me and potentially destroy my marriage if I let it.  But instead of pushing Dal away, I try to remember I need to let him in.  He is my partner in life, my forever, and I know he is the person that will help me get through grief.  I am grateful for him taking this journey with me, because today I am not the same girl he married 10 months ago.  I am different, I have changed, but we will continue to walk side by side, hand in hand and push forward. Because together we can do anything.

If you are married. Appreciate your spouse. Tell him/her you love them.  Love their strengths and their weaknesses.  Always keep them in your heart, and a priority in your life.  Life is too short to take people for granted.

If you are single. Wait for the right guy/girl.  I promise you will find them.  It may take longer than you wanted, and it may not be exactly what you expected, but it will be way better than you could have ever imagined.  You deserve the best.  Don't sell yourself short, lower your standards, or take anything less than what you deserve.  Demand respect. And don't waste time fighting for people who aren't fighting for you, because I promise you, there is that one person that would sprint to the finish line if you were there waiting for them. Wait. Be patient and wait for the best. You will know when you find him. Trust your gut and follow your heart! That is what I did, and I ended up with the most amazing man. I mean just look at him! :)

The world doesn’t stop even though mine did.

If you haven’t ever experienced grief let me let you in on a little insight.  Right after the tragedy occurs everyone is knocking on your door, calling, texting, offering to help.  It is so incredibly thoughtful and it helps a lot, however during this point in time, you are numb. You feel so numb and are in disbelief that this actually happened.  So therefore we don’t always accept the help. This continues until after the funeral services have finished.  Then everyone goes back to their normal lives. Everyone returns back to work, gets back into their normal routine and the calls, texts, and helping hands diminish.

The world doesn’t stop. It keeps going like nothing ever happened.

There are days where I sit and stare into space because of the pain I feel, I have days where I feel so broken that I wonder if I even know how to love anymore, and then there are days where for a split second I forget what my reality actually is, and can feel a glimpse of happiness.

So what do I do? I take my life day by day.  Some days I cry, some days I laugh, and some days I feel nothing at all.  But each day I try. I try to be stronger than I was the day before, even if it is just a little bit.

What can you do? Call a friend, or lend a helping hand, because I promise you that the people you love need you more now than they did when the tragedy initially happened.  Whether it has been one month, one year, or even ten, reach out. Because I can promise you this... the pain of losing a loved one never goes away.  It isn’t something you get over, and it isn’t something you overcome.  It is just something you adjust too.  You adjust to your new reality, you adjust to your new family dynamic, and you adjust to the new you, because you are never the same again.

Strength vs Survival

Strength: the quality or state of being strong. Survival: the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances. People tell me that they consider me one of strength, that I have strength to be able to endure what I have gone through in this life.  But personally I just consider myself surviving.  I am pushing through each day the best that I can.  I get up, I go to work, and I clean the house.  There are some days where I have a moment or a glimpse of feeling normal and can feel happiness.  And then there are the moments where I am lying. I am lying about being ok and I am lying about being good. But what I am telling the truth about is that I am trying.  I am surviving, because I am a survivor! So if you are going through something in your life that is hard, push to be a survivor, because with surviving comes strength!

from chaos, to beauty... reversed.

Ohhh man, it has been a long time since I have posted anything on here, I basically created the blog and then got busy doing other things. When I chose the name from chaos, to beauty I had no idea that, that saying would literally be what my life consisted of. It goes from chaos to something beautiful, all the way back to chaos. In the last year I have experienced one of the best moments of my life, and one of the worst.

On November 18, 2016, I married my best friend in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. I got up that morning and was so nervous because I couldn’t believe that I was getting married. I had always dreamt of getting married, but for some reason I had convinced myself that it was never going to happen for me. I dated all the wrong guys for years, and I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. I was always the best friend, or that girl that was getting played. My heart had been broken so many times that I couldn’t believe that I was marrying the man who healed it.

 

 

Together as husband and wife, we started our new life.

Fast forward to July 17, 2017. The day that my heart broke all over again. When I was 13 years old, I lost my older brother in a car accident. I cried, I was angry, I was numb for years, but I endured. I made it through to the other side and was stronger because of it. "I did it, I endured my trial in life." Yet there was more to come. I never in a million years thought at the age of 25 that I would be doing it all over again. I was wrong, I now have lost both of my brothers. I am honestly at a loss for words, other than my beauty has reversed back to chaos. Again I cry, I am angry, and I am numb. But I will endure. I will endure yet another major trial in my life and push to come out on the other side.

 

 

How do you handle your hardships? Do you let your chaos turn to beauty? Do you try to see the light instead of the darkness? Let me help you. And in return I am hoping that all of you can help me too. Chaos can be taken over by beauty, and that is what I intend to do.