The world doesn’t stop even though mine did.

If you haven’t ever experienced grief let me let you in on a little insight.  Right after the tragedy occurs everyone is knocking on your door, calling, texting, offering to help.  It is so incredibly thoughtful and it helps a lot, however during this point in time, you are numb. You feel so numb and are in disbelief that this actually happened.  So therefore we don’t always accept the help. This continues until after the funeral services have finished.  Then everyone goes back to their normal lives. Everyone returns back to work, gets back into their normal routine and the calls, texts, and helping hands diminish.

The world doesn’t stop. It keeps going like nothing ever happened.

There are days where I sit and stare into space because of the pain I feel, I have days where I feel so broken that I wonder if I even know how to love anymore, and then there are days where for a split second I forget what my reality actually is, and can feel a glimpse of happiness.

So what do I do? I take my life day by day.  Some days I cry, some days I laugh, and some days I feel nothing at all.  But each day I try. I try to be stronger than I was the day before, even if it is just a little bit.

What can you do? Call a friend, or lend a helping hand, because I promise you that the people you love need you more now than they did when the tragedy initially happened.  Whether it has been one month, one year, or even ten, reach out. Because I can promise you this... the pain of losing a loved one never goes away.  It isn’t something you get over, and it isn’t something you overcome.  It is just something you adjust too.  You adjust to your new reality, you adjust to your new family dynamic, and you adjust to the new you, because you are never the same again.

Strength vs Survival

Strength: the quality or state of being strong. Survival: the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances. People tell me that they consider me one of strength, that I have strength to be able to endure what I have gone through in this life.  But personally I just consider myself surviving.  I am pushing through each day the best that I can.  I get up, I go to work, and I clean the house.  There are some days where I have a moment or a glimpse of feeling normal and can feel happiness.  And then there are the moments where I am lying. I am lying about being ok and I am lying about being good. But what I am telling the truth about is that I am trying.  I am surviving, because I am a survivor! So if you are going through something in your life that is hard, push to be a survivor, because with surviving comes strength!

from chaos, to beauty... reversed.

Ohhh man, it has been a long time since I have posted anything on here, I basically created the blog and then got busy doing other things. When I chose the name from chaos, to beauty I had no idea that, that saying would literally be what my life consisted of. It goes from chaos to something beautiful, all the way back to chaos. In the last year I have experienced one of the best moments of my life, and one of the worst.

On November 18, 2016, I married my best friend in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. I got up that morning and was so nervous because I couldn’t believe that I was getting married. I had always dreamt of getting married, but for some reason I had convinced myself that it was never going to happen for me. I dated all the wrong guys for years, and I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. I was always the best friend, or that girl that was getting played. My heart had been broken so many times that I couldn’t believe that I was marrying the man who healed it.

 

 

Together as husband and wife, we started our new life.

Fast forward to July 17, 2017. The day that my heart broke all over again. When I was 13 years old, I lost my older brother in a car accident. I cried, I was angry, I was numb for years, but I endured. I made it through to the other side and was stronger because of it. "I did it, I endured my trial in life." Yet there was more to come. I never in a million years thought at the age of 25 that I would be doing it all over again. I was wrong, I now have lost both of my brothers. I am honestly at a loss for words, other than my beauty has reversed back to chaos. Again I cry, I am angry, and I am numb. But I will endure. I will endure yet another major trial in my life and push to come out on the other side.

 

 

How do you handle your hardships? Do you let your chaos turn to beauty? Do you try to see the light instead of the darkness? Let me help you. And in return I am hoping that all of you can help me too. Chaos can be taken over by beauty, and that is what I intend to do.